


I'd Die for You (But Fucking Live for Me)

by Kat_Dakuu



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Getting Together, M/M, Protective Eren Yeager, Protective Jean Kirstein, They just forgot the words, They're already together tho, dealing with the aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 10:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18364358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_Dakuu/pseuds/Kat_Dakuu
Summary: EreJean Week day 7: canon verse/dangerEren was used to people protecting him and all that bullshit. He even stopped batting an eye. There was one person that he absolutely didn’t want to protect him though, no matter what. And when that happened, he found his entire resolve shaken, from his toes up to his heart. His stupid, already smitten heart.





	I'd Die for You (But Fucking Live for Me)

"Eren, fucking _move!_ " Jean shot forward without thinking, grabbing hold of the other boy's arm and throwing him back. He didn't even think about how that left him facing off against a titan's massive fist with no one in between. He had one second to take that in before screams rung out in the still morning air, a massive force knocking him back. _'Still'_ morning air; that was a delusion created by his overstimulated mind. God, nothing about this morning felt peaceful.

_Should have thought about that before you decided to bite someone else's bullet, huh Kirchstein?_

By the time he thought that, he already couldn't stop himself. He just let his feet move on instinct, twisting his body around and launching forward again, right back into the fray. The last clear sight he had was Eren staring up, verdant eyes like fucking storms, like a hurricane. And yeah, he knew better than anyone that he put that look there.

The rest of the battle passed in a blur. When it finally ended, Jean stood behind the titan's corpse, blood running from his hair and staining his blades that didn't tremble, didn't tremble at all. Though, with the stink filling his nose, he felt an overwhelming desire to curl over and throw up.

_Later._

He wiped off his blades as the rest of the soldiers secured the area and made sure they hadn't attracted any new threats. Through the constant rustle of movement, Jean met Eren's eyes. The boy stood with dirt stains on his knees, one hand clenched so hard where he held it ready to bite. His blades lay broken at his feet, along with the tangle of gear that Eren sliced off at some point during the blur of fighting. It was useless when like that anyway.

Then there were shouted orders and everyone spurred into coordinated action. Jean didn't have a chance to say or think anything more on the sight of the other boy's vivid green eyes and the way they burned into him. It wasn't even that strange. And yet, no matter how many times Eren looked at him like that, he never got used to it. Maybe he didn't _want_ to. Yeah, that was an idea. Even if he died, he didn't think he would get used to this. Definitely didn't want to.

Eren was, without a doubt, the pinnacle of his young life. And today, he proved it with his own fucking swords.

xXx

It didn't take long for that confidence to come crashing down around Jean's ears. He whimpered, twisting and turning, though that did nothing to dispel the images from closing in around him. Ten titans surrounded Jean, no, one hundred of the monsters. Each blink brought more closing in. He could feel their heat radiating against his skin, their breath, their horrible groans. He could feel their _blood_ on his skin.

Jean blinked away the delusions from his overworked mind. The camp came into focus, dark except for the pale moon hanging overhead. Most of the others shared their sleeping pallets, but as this mission's odd one out, he got to sleep alone. He'd been thrilled to learn that, but now, the silence felt too heavy. It let his mind conjure scenarios worse than the one from this morning, more outrageous, more vivid and sickening.

He could have done better. He'd jumped on that titan without any kind of plan. He always followed through with plans, so why did he put everyone at risk? If the others hadn't jumped into action just as quick, both he and Eren would probably look like smears on the ground right now. As it was, only one of the newer recruits fumbled in the attack, lost a leg for her troubles.

Jean curled tighter over himself, feeling his stomach churn so hard that it hurt. He should have finished his supper. He should have done a lot of things. Over and over the thoughts raced through his mind. He couldn't settle. No matter how late it got, he couldn't fall asleep at all. And really, whose fault was that but his own? Jean could admit it, he fucked up bad this time.

"Jean?" The sound of someone stumbling over sticks and trampled earth left him shooting up in a tangle of blankets. He snapped his hand out, trying to find some kind of weapon before he could even think anything besides _again?!_ Titans rushed back around him, so close he could feel their breath on his face. Even his chest ached from where the massive fist had knocked him back. He felt every rib in his body caving in, wind rushing past before-

Eren's face lit up in a candle's glow. Fuck, _fuck!_ Jean squeezed his eyes shut, forcing out a shuddery exhale. Eren. It was just fucking Eren, whose eyes darted down to take in the boot clenched in Jean's fist. He glanced down too, feeling a laugh bubble up when he realized what sort of weapon he managed in his panic. God, what was he going to do? Clobber a titan on the toe with it?

"Shit, sorry. I though you would be sleeping," Eren managed with as sheepish of a tone as he could manage. After setting down the candle, he shuffled over to the nest Jean made of his blankets. For a second, he just looked down at Jean's rumpled clothes, wide eyes, and messy hair. "You okay?"

Resisting the urge to snort and shout, _no, he was not okay_ , Jean tossed the boot aside. "M fine. Why are you here anyway?" he managed to mutter like it wasn't the middle of the night and he hadn't slept a wink. Splayed out on the ground, he imagined anyone could tell. Especially Eren with his intense eyes, his intense everything. However, Eren just dropped down on his knees, reaching out for Jean.

"Just wanted to see you. Can't I want to see you, Jean?" Eren wrapped a hand around his shoulder, sending a shock down Jean's spine. He flinched, half in surprise from the sudden touch—and the _images_ flooding his mind again with death, fear, death, death. However, the other part of him flinched because Eren felt amazing against his skin. That part of him won out as he shifted, letting Eren crawl under the blanket with him, shorter limbs wrapped around his lanky body. Eren squeezed and it struck Jean then, just how weak the other boy's voice sounded.

"Eren?" Wetness pressed against Jean's back, sending another shock down his spine. Was Eren…crying? Jean grabbed hold of one of the hands curled against his ribs, finding it trembling. He couldn't deny it. Eren felt more broken apart than Jean did and that, that just didn't fucking make sense. Wasn't Jean the one who nearly died today? Wasn't Jean the one who jumped on a titan, along with a dozen overzealous recruits—thank fucking god he didn't end up alone. But that didn't change the fact that he'd rushed in like that, stupid and fucking alone. Why did Eren get to look more scared?

" _Shit_." Eren squeezed Jean so hard he feared his ribs might break. His single curse sounded heavy enough with anger and tears that it could serve as an entire speech. "Don't ever fucking do that again! Fuck, Jean! Don't ever protect me like that!"

Jean shivered, but even as he shrunk back, he couldn't stop himself from raising his voice. "Why?" He grunted, jaw clenched so hard he almost couldn't bite the word out. "Everyone puts their lives in front of yours. I can't?" Eren sounded stupid, and idealistic, and that went against Jean's every instinct, so he couldn't help spitting out the words. That didn't stop the tears from splashing against his neck though, didn't stop another shiver from running down his body. God, why did he have to sound so strong but feel like such a coward?

Eren soothed his hands over Jean's skin, the touch vacillating between gentle and crushing. A harsh grab, soft fingers then smoothing over. When his hands reached Jean's chest and the bruise forming there, his hands settled, so gentle that Jean wanted to break down and sob. "It's not fair though," Eren finally managed, his voice shaky with tears. "I thought I got used to it a long time ago, but everyone is everyone else. It's different if it's you, Jean! Fuck, you're the only person who's not allowed to protect me like that!"

Once again, Jean needed to force back the sob rising in his chest. It was bad enough that one of them started crying. Didn't need to make it a two-way street. "But why?" He had to ask it again because the idea didn't make sense. Sure, he and Eren had _something_ between them. He might even call it love, if love meant spending nights wrapped up in the same bed, learning how to map each other's bodies. They'd been doing it so long that Jean couldn't even remember how it started, didn't even care what the other soldiers said when they caught them together. You only lived once right?

"Dunno," Eren huffed back. "It's different because you're not some friend or comrade. You're my boyfriend! A-and I don't want to lose you." _Especially not for my sake._ Jean could hear the unspoken words as clear as if Eren said them aloud. Lips pressed against the spot where tears made Jean's neck wet, the kiss warm, but desperate. It left Jean jerking on his sheets, going so stiff it made his body ache. Likewise, Eren froze behind him, even his breath stilling in the night air.

"Jean? What's wrong?"

What was wrong indeed? Jean's ears rang, but he managed to replay Eren's statement in his head until he could piece it together, realization turning his heart leaden. "You called me your boyfriend." He pulled away enough to roll, meeting Eren's gaze for the first time since he crawled under the blanket. As expected, wetness still shone in Eren's eyes. He looked vulnerable and childish and so, so unlike Eren that it took all of Jean's breath away. Still, he didn't break their gaze. "Y-you've never called me that before."

For a second, Eren's brows furrowed before the same realization left him reeling back, breath hitching where it ghosted so close to Jean's face. "I haven't." The whispered words didn't sound like a question, but rather, a statement. Reverent and awed, Eren said the words like he couldn't believe them himself. "I've just been thinking like that in my head this whole time haven't I? I just assumed that you…?" But he trailed off in question, eyes softening when they met Jean's. He found himself shivering under the look, the tingles running along his skin so different from the earlier shivers that wracked his body.

Very carefully, Jean tipped forward so he could press their lips together. "That I what? That I like you…?" he asked in the same, quiet tone that Eren had. It felt poetic, more tender that way, to admit what he always knew. Of course he liked Eren. He loved the other boy as much as he hated him, needed him gentle as much as he needed their tension. It made no sense, but, with his heart quickening again, it felt more than right. "Well, I like you enough to die for you."

A flush crept over Eren's cheeks just like the one Jean knew colored his own. The silence didn't last for long though before Eren wrenched Jean into his arms again, face buried against his shoulder. "Shit, Jean! Who taught you to say these kinds of things to a guy who just had nightmares about that! Shit! You think I want to hear that?!" The anger didn't quite take over though, hands smoothing along Jean's back in a way that could only be called tender. Eren sounded too torn between awed and angry for either one to really set in. Another pause, then Eren spoke again. "You love me?"

Jean shrugged one shoulder as best he could in Eren's tight grip. "Yeah, pretty sure that's what you call this stupid, heart-thumping, rather-die-than-be-without-you, sort of feeling," he managed with as much snark as he could. Which wasn't much. Just enough to counter the awkward constricted feeling inside his chest. Eren made him feel like this a few times before, but right now, he felt like he might drown in it. If that wasn't love, then he didn't know what was.

Jean, who prized his life more than anyone else on the squad, wouldn't mind dying for Eren.

That seemed to sink in after a few seconds as Eren gazed into his eyes. "I'm dreaming aren't I?" Jean resisted the urge to pinch the other boy just to hear a yelp of surprise. Instead, he snuck a hand underneath Eren's shirt, pressing hard into the muscles there, proving to both of them that they still lived. Eren sighed, his entire body melting into Jean's touch. "No, this is way too good to be a dream."

Jean chuckled at that before he couldn't take the tightness rising in him anymore. God, it left him dizzy, actually short on breath as he wrapped his body around Eren's, shoving his face so hard into the other boy's shoulder that it made stars burst behind his eyes. "Fuck! This is entirely too many emotions for one day! Why do you always do this to me?" Always turn him inside out, wrapped up in ten thousand knots?

Eren ran hands up and down Jean's back, soothing and steadying at the same time. Every touch left heat blossoming in their wake until a fire built up inside of him. Jean pressed an open mouthed kiss to Eren's shoulder, still feeling the effects of this entire day coiling in his spine. Only Eren's hands seemed to do anything to help, despite the way they brought their own kind of tension. He liked this tension though, liked the way Eren's voice pitched lower when he spoke again.

"What _I_ do?" The words came out almost as a growl, Eren's fingers tightening just the slightest bit. "Fuck, look at you, all trembling right now. I wasn't lying when I said I dreamed about this! Blood and that stupid smirk of yours all…fuck." Eren bit his tongue to stop his own words. Just saying them out loud somehow made them real, like he tempted the universe to bring it about. "I mean it! Don't ever do that for me again. You're not…you're fragile compared to me. Let everyone else sacrifice their lives! Weren't you the one who called yourself selfish just a few months ago? Don't go changing that now!"

Changing? Jean didn't even know if he changed for Eren, because of him, or just realized a part of himself that he buried deep. Trainee Jean would never guess how strong he might one day grow. Even if right now, Jean didn't feel strong at all. "…It's not like I planned on dying."

"Well, you nearly _did_."

Jean didn't have the energy to fight him on that. "I can't promise I won't do it again though. You're not invincible either. Don't think I don't know that."

Eren hesitated. "I know, but…"

"But?"

Eren swallowed, the sound loud where Jean's ear still pressed close. However, the words that came out shook with conviction. "If you love me, you should live. _Survive_ for me. That's what I want!" Eren hissed. "I'll hate you if you die for me!"

Finally, Jean lifted his head to meet Eren's sparking bright eyes. They held him, frozen in place with their passion. Just like the day they met, that conviction washed over Jean and pulled him under. This time though, he let himself get swept away. "Y-yeah, okay. I'll live for you. Just…gotta promise me the same…" He needed Eren's strong hands around his body to make his own strength okay. Needed Eren holding him as much as he needed to pull the boy tight against his side, kiss him, make _him_ feel strong. God, they were such a pair.

Eren's eyes went soft, his fingers brushing along Jean's jaw, holding his face still. "Okay." The single word came out as little more than a breath. It rung in Jean's ears though, as loud as if Eren shouted it. Then Eren's lips pressed against his, insistent and warm. "If you live, I'll live. It's as simple as that. You promise, Jean?"

Their pinkies coiling together between their chests, Jean puffed out a single breath of laughter. Somehow, it managed to sound just as reverent as the whispered promise. Just as full of love. "Gods yes, I swear." He swallowed hard, squeezing even harder around Eren's pinky. "So…till death do us part."

Eren nodded back, sealing the promise with a kiss and eyes like steel. "Till fucking death. Until then…"

_"We live."_

**Author's Note:**

> Ahh, we've finally come to the end of the week! Actually, this is my first time writing in the canon verse, so I ended up making it very vague. I hope it's not too inaccurate? I'm so happy with my week of fills though, so onwards to focus on an entire month of editing (my camp nanowrimo project)!


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